Tips on the Pit-Falls of Vicarious Living Through Your Teen

Managing expectations for your teens that aren’t rooted in your own personal desires can be a challenging but crucial aspect of parenting. You may think, “I would never do that!”  But teens report to us that a primary stressor is living up to the dreams and expectations of their parents.

So, how do you manage your own expectations for your teens that aren’t part of your own personal desires? Here are some strategies to help you navigate this:

OPEN COMMUNICATION. Allow your teen time and space to share their lived experiences, both good and bad. Actively listen to their stories and shares. What excites them? What are they interested in? This can help you identify any misalignments between your expectations and their desires.

RECOGNIZE INDIVIDUALITY. Your teen is a unique individual with their own strengths, weaknesses, and passions. Avoid imposing your own unfulfilled aspirations onto them.

CELEBRATE THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS. Even if they don’t align with your preconceived notions of success. Recognize and value their personal growth.

ENCOURAGE EXPLORATION. Allow your teen to discover their own passions and talents rather than conforming to your expectations. 

BE OPEN. Your teens path will likely be far different than your vision. Embrace and appreciate their uniqueness and open your mind to their desires.

PROMOTE INDEPENDENCE. Teens appreciate the latitude to make their own decisions, with modest guidance of course. Refrain from micro-managing their choices and empower them to explore their own future rather than fulfilling your dream.

SELF-REFLECT & PAUSE. Consider how your own values, interests, and goals are imposed upon your teen. Your self-awareness can better guide your understanding of your teen and allow them to be their authentic selves!

CHALLENGED MUCH? If you find it difficult to detach your own dreams from your teen’s  journey, consider seeking professional support from a family counselor or therapist. 

The parenting journey is never over! Being a teen parent will offer you opportunities to adapt and grow. Your own journey of maturation will help your teen navigate their own path while you manage your expectations in a healthy way.